Almost two years. That’s how long one of my clients agonized over whether someone in her circle even wanted to have anything to do with her anymore. Two years during which she read into every little thing, and every interpretation pointed in the same direction.
Then she wrote a single, honest email. The reply: Of course, I’d love to.
Two years of overthinking for a question that was cleared up in five minutes. And this isn’t an isolated case. I see this all the time, in teams as well as in executive management.
Assumptions are always the worst-case scenario
We humans rely far too much on assumptions instead of seeking clarity. And here’s the tricky part: for us, assumptions are always worst-case scenarios. Other people find us too much of a hassle. Our boss actually wants to get rid of us. We’re not good enough as people; the other person doesn’t like us.
I don’t want to throw out a number right now, but if I had to, I’d say: 95 percent of the time, these assumptions aren’t accurate. Yet we still rely on them. We react to something that was never actually said, and the other person, in turn, reacts to our reaction. This is how conflicts arise that could actually be resolved so easily.
For me, assumptions are the death of every relationship and every form of communication. This applies just as much to romantic partnerships as it does to the relationship between team leaders and their teams.
One point is a blow
What helps? A method so simple that it’s constantly overlooked in everyday life: Instead of putting a period at the end of a sentence—and thereby presenting an assumption as fact—I put a question mark at the end.
“You don’t want to work with me.” That’s a judgmental statement that we frame as a fact. But it’s really just our assumption. People react to it without meaning to, completely unconsciously: they go on the defensive; they get snarky. It’s a punch to the gut.
“Could it be that you don’t want to work with me right now?” This isn’t a criticism, nor is it a statement of fact. It’s a question born of curiosity. Curiosity isn’t a judgment. Now the person I’m talking to can decide what to do with this question.
One of my coachees recently got stuck in an email exchange with her supervisor. The last reply was terse and sounded to her like a rejection (assumption!). Her plan: not to reply at all—her supervisor would just deny everything anyway (assumption!). I told her: It’s like ping-pong. The ball is on your side now, and instead of hitting it back, you’re letting it sink into the quagmire of assumptions and getting frustrated. We then drafted a response together that makes no assumptions and contains no threats, but simply asks: “Did I understand that correctly?” The responsibility for the consequences remains where it belongs.
The Mind’s Eye Implodes
It becomes particularly dangerous when assumptions aren’t even voiced. Those who retreat in the face of uncertainty fail to seek clarification. In that moment, you fail to see the other perspective, and then you wallow in your own. The picture is formed solely from your own information, and the assumption grows larger and larger.
At some point, it’s going to blow up. Either it will explode somewhere completely different, and everyone will be surprised by a totally over-the-top reaction. Or it will implode. Imploding is worse than exploding because no one on the outside will even notice.
And even if that assumption turns out to be true? Then the answer might hurt at first. But then I’ll have clarity. And maybe there’s even something in what I hear that can help me grow. Anyone who doesn’t ask in the first place is denying themselves exactly that.
What You Can Try Starting Tomorrow
You don’t need any training for this. You just need a few phrases to have on hand when your heart starts racing.
“Did I just understand that correctly?” is my go-to phrase, whether in writing or in person. It takes the edge off and gives the other person a chance to correct me. Be careful with your tone—it shouldn’t sound accusatory.
“I heard something, and it’s bothering me.” Starting off this way isn’t confrontational—it opens the door to dialogue. And suddenly, the dynamic is completely different.
And then there’s what I call the Columbo method. He always played a little dumb, asking questions in a totally naive way, and people underestimated him. “Hey, I didn’t quite get that—could you say it again?” It works surprisingly well, especially with people who like to use a lot of words to distract you.
But the most important thing happens before that—in your own mind. Keep asking yourself: Is this just an assumption? And if so, it’s okay if it takes a few days to find the courage to ask for clarification. The main thing is that you ask.
We need to ensure much greater clarity in our communication. That really is the be-all and end-all. Or, as I like to say:
We no longer work with assumptions. We’re curious.
